How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.