Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Webb. James Webb.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.