Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.