I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.