I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
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I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
good work, detective
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.