If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.