“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes