once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?