DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*