Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Trumpy Cat
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Meth is short for Elizameth.
sensitive skin
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.