[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
pizza
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*