Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
You Might Also Like
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.