Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
The glockness monster
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Saw online –
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.