Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
sensitive skin
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.