Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Google Pay be like:
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.