Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
🤯🤯🤯
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I know this now 😂
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD