Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…