Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Finally!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.