Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.