Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.