Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”