Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My new favorite headline
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.