Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.