I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.