What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
What is going on? 😅
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Always…
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.