Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Brands during Pride
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave