What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
You Might Also Like
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.