me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror