An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa