Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no