If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
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Put this video in the Louvre
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
She puts the hot in psychotic
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Trumpy Cat
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
San Francisco has too many rules
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Not my job 😂
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist