Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard