I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently