VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug