My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail