Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
You sure about that?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…