My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.