[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.