When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.