I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You Might Also Like
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
🤣🤣🤣
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.