I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Simple
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*