Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
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Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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*sawing person in half*
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“That’s what” – She
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”