I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.