Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”