I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If only
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]