rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.