Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.