I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool