date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it