“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
mood
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
RT if you could go either way.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way